 We've come a long way in education where we are now encouraging and being intentional about teaching our young girls about consent and the power of saying no in situations where they do not feel ready or safe. As I think about this, I am reminded that
it’s not just about consent; it’s about raising our girls to be able to and ready to speak their truth in everyday moments AND their most vulnerable moments. Since I was young girl, I have been told, groomed and made to adopt the philosophy of “sit down, shut up and look pretty” and when in school, it was “sit down, be quiet and do your work.” When we unpack these messages that are being sent to girls at a young age, what are we saying to them on what makes them worthy and valued in their surroundings? It says, your appearance matters above all else, be docile, do things to get approval from and be liked by others at the expense of giving up yourself. When we teach them about consent and be empowered to say no, this ultimately means, to develop and assert their own voice. That's a tall order for some if a young girl haven't had the space, opportunity or encouragement to do so in their daily life. It takes baby steps; it’s not a sprint. It starts with being able to speak up when you've got the wrong order at a coffee shop and having the courage to announce that to the barista instead of falling back to the "nice girl" syndrome not to inconvenience someone. It starts with being in math class in kindergarten when your teacher asks you to vote what's your favourite color, and instead of looking at your peers to see what they would like, to actually assert and own your preferences and ideas. It starts with embracing the daily realities that our children are faced with and acknowledging that these are the very moments where we can, as teachers, parents and caring adults, guide them to share their voices without them feeling guilty, the need to be approved or worrying that they are disappointing another when they speak and walk their truth. It is ultimately about not being afraid to be seen for who they are. In school, children are conditioned since the moment they step foot into a classroom, to play the game of school: that you will be successful at it if you give up yourself to make sure you are saying, hearing and doing things that the teacher and your surroundings want to hear and want to see. When we translate this back to young girls growing up, the result is that our girls are paralyzed with a deep fear that if they are to speak on their own behalf, they would be rejected, punished or disapproved. So, how does this relate to consent? It means that sometimes young girls, teenagers and young adults, inside themselves, in the stillness of their hearts, have an opinion and know what they want or don't want, but they might say one thing on the surface and mean another thing inside themselves. Their "yes" to someone else might actually mean "no" inside themselves. But they have been conditioned to please that they sometimes do not dare to hold up boundaries with a resounding "no". When I think about my own experiences as a young girl, teen, young adult and now a women, I'd given “consent” in certain situations by saying yes when actually inside me I knew I wanted to say no. How many times have I/we done/did this? Whether it is a one-time decision that required you to answer and take action on the spot, or whether it is a slow process of giving up who you are and your authentic voice in your work, schooling, personal relationships? How many times have I given up on who I am and melded myself into what other people needed me to be so they would feel comfortable, but I, contorted in the process? It is still an ongoing journey for me, but my point is, our girls need practice, support and guidance with this everyday in their lives: from making seemingly mundane choices like speaking up and sharing your preferences on what is your favourite color, to when the barista accidentally messed up your order, to going to a house party in undergrad with someone is pressuring you to do things you don't want to do. So, what can we do as teachers in the classroom? We give them room to speak up; we intentionally give them opportunities to share themselves through our daily lessons in various subject areas where they can feel comfortable to state their preferences, claim their experiences and express their perspectives. Intentional heart-centered activities such as expressive writing, sharing circles, thoughtful questioning and reflecting are effective practices, too. But I believe all this can only work and be a step forward if we as teachers do the work ourselves, too. I remember once when I interviewed an inspiring teacher for my master's thesis, he said, “You know, two people can have the same lesson plan, classroom and resource materials, but one delivery is much more effective, why is that? It's because of their life experiences and what they are willing to learn from them. The more you are willing to learn from your own life, the more meaning there could be behind your actions, behind your words." In the midst of raising our girls up so they can rise up and be strong, kind, and speak and live their truth boldly, we also need to do that as teachers in our personal and professional lives. When we work and learn together, we build a stronger, more empathetic, and more respectful and harmonious environment within our immediate surroundings. Like a ripple effect, this is how we can shift ourselves, each other and our surroundings one step at a time, one decision at a time, one day at a time. Resources for you to rise up as a woman and use that wisdom to guide our young girls: 1. Women Who Run With the Wolves By: Clarissa Pinkola Estes 2. Succulent Wild Woman By: Sark 3. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls By: Mary Pipher 4. Playing Big By: Tara Mohr
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 “Are you living a eulogy life or a resume life?” This was a question that my professor, Jack Miller, asked us in a graduate class. It was a question that really stayed with me; now and then when I am making career choices or personal choices in my life, his question will pop up into my mind again. In our surroundings from our family life to school to social media platforms, time and time again, we are bombarded with messages to live our best lives connected to career choices. When you think about it, a question that we ask of our students since kindergarten and throughout elementary, high school, undergraduate to graduate school is this: “What do you want to be when you grow up/when you finish that degree?” I remember, as an elementary school teacher, I was also focused on asking my students what they want to be. Many hands would shoot up in the air with enthusiasm with answers such as “Doctor!”, “Lawyer!”, “Dancer!”, etc. Seldom do we ask our students this question: “WHO do you want to become?” I believe that cultivating who we are is what will help us grow in wisdom, kindness and respect for each other and our surroundings. The “what” (your career aspirations) is essential, but as we all know, that can continue to shift and change, and it’s not something that is guaranteed to be a part of who you are. What happens when you lose your job? What happens when you are still an aspiring academic, like me, who is unsure of her footing in her career? What is my identity when I feel as though I am in the in-between? Not quite x, y, z yet but always looking towards the future to define who I am? I believe that whether it is you are already working in your dream job or still looking or unhappy with your job, the one thing you can work on and remains within you is who you are as a person; how you treat people in your surroundings. When you are a barista or a waitress as you are waiting to become a teacher (like most undergrad students I teach who are in the position of trying to find out what they want to be), I often remind them: who you are remains the same whether or not you become a teacher yet. It’s not like once you reach your goals, and suddenly you are also filled with respect, care, joy and kindness towards yourself and others. You are who you are at any given moment in time. I think that’s a very powerful and important thing to get our students to understand and ponder. When we dismiss the cultivation of who we are starting from childhood, it makes children grow up into adults who are wired for material success only and the pressure to brand themselves into something marketable to be deemed a worthy and desirable person in society. I have seen and witnessed this pressure happen way too often. It starts from when they are children, and we consistently put it into their heads to think about WHAT to be so much so that by the time they are in undergrad, they get into panic mode and pressure themselves to figure out fast what to do after they graduate. The result is witnessing students coming into my classes breaking down and explaining to me that they are just so tired and pressured; they don’t even know why they are going to school, who they are and how much of a failure they often feel. I am not saying that thinking about your career aspirations is not essential, if anything, I am the queen of continually thinking about my work. But in the midst of chasing what you want to be, I think it’s about time we start to cultivate and live the question, “WHO do you want to become?” In a time of educational crisis with all that’s happening in our surroundings, we might ask ourselves, what happened to us? Why are there so many power hungry people who use power for all the wrong/selfish reasons? We have conditioned children long ago (with no ill intent) to want to encourage them to be all that they are by getting them to focus on what they want to be that we forget to nurture who they are and who they are becoming. The result is that sometimes children grow up to become adults who will do anything to get what they want and what career they want to have with no regard for their individual and collective humanity. Marianne Williamson once said, “Love, not money should be humanity’s bottom line. Who if not us will stand up to say this? Who if not us to lead the revolution in consciousness that is humanity’s next step?” I encourage you to start asking and living this question with yourself AND with your students, “Who are you? Who do you want to become?” You might get answers like: I want to be kind. I want to be respectful. I want to be caring. I want to be free. I want to be loving. Good then. You’re off to a good start. There is a lot more work to be done, but the dialogue has begun.  “Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.”-Unknown
It's okay to ask for help. Asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength. We don't know everything all the time, and we need support to build up our confidence, efficacy and sense of wellbeing as a teacher and as a person. Growing up, I was taught and was conditioned in various living environments as a child to depend on myself, that being self-made is what makes one strong and the only solution to conquer our fears and doubts. It took sleep problems and a recent panic attack, followed by days of being in a panicked state to realize that as much as you can be passionate about what you do, be a go-getter and have hopes and aspirations to change the world by shifting your surroundings, sometimes your body needs rest. I remember reading about Sonia Choquette's experience in her book, "Traveling at the Speed of Love" where she shared about how although her mind and spirit has a plethora of ideas and practices that she wants to bring forth into her professional life the body sometimes needs to rest and is not quite ready for that. I did not think about this mind-body connection until having to experience this anxiety now, where it is showing me what my limits are, and when it is that I need to take a break. Slowing down is hard for me because I have always been trained to think, from my parents and in school, that we have to work hard to get what we want and to reach our potential and aspirations. So what do I do? I tend to jam up my schedule to make sure I am being productive to the point of exhaustion but refusing to admit that I am exhausted. When I do feel exhausted, there is always another coffee right at arm's length (so I reassure myself). Sure, I know these days there is a lot of talk about mindfulness, self-care and taking care of our mental health in education for teachers and students. However, to actually let go and allow myself to engage in these practices feels self-indulgent and almost brings me a sense of guilt. There is the feeling of guilt for not spending more time looking over the next lesson that I am teaching, or reading another book related to what I am teaching, or putting in more time to answer my work emails and make appointments to support my students; the list goes on. It took my body to finally shut down by having a panic attack, followed by days of being in a state of underlying panic as I go about my routines, that I realize I need to stop. Stop and breathe. Stop and breathe. Stop and breathe AND to go and reach out to friends and family for support. It wasn't until I reached out to talk to them that I realize all around me there are people who do care and that it is not a bother to someone when you need help and reassurance. This is important to feel as a person and as an educator because I have always told my students (no matter preschool, elementary, high school or undergraduate) never to hesitate to ask for help because getting support when you know you need it is the smartest thing to do; we can't go about everything all on our own. Funny that the advice that I doled out to my students all these years is becoming something I have to live through to truly understand that asking for help for some may be a difficult thing to do, despite how supportive you may seem as a teacher, as an adult, as a parent, etc. This experience is showing me that sometimes asking for help, in some students’ eyes, may be linked to the stigma that not knowing something or not doing something on your own is a weakness, and that it may also indicate you are imperfect (even though they have been told time and time again that perfection cannot be attained). The fact is though, when we think about the messages that we send to our students (i.e., "be all that you can be"; "reach for the stars"; "you can do anything you put your mind to", etc.) while coming from good intentions and an honest and loving place in our hearts, can sometimes be overwhelming. I am not suggesting to do away with the positive and encouraging messages at all; what I am suggesting is that sometimes it's alright to just be. To let students have the space to feel like they are in the in-between and that it is alright, to not move it or fix it, but sit with it and think about what it is that they are learning and accepting about themselves at this moment. I am learning from my own panic attack experience that my mind is telling me to continue to forge ahead, to shift gears, to think of exciting new projects to distract myself and to not stay stagnant in my panicked state, but my body is now showing me this needs to change. When trying to get out of a panicked state, it is not about being productive. Instead, try sitting with it, soothing it with deep breathing, getting support from loved ones, and putting that productive mind on hold. My body needs this to reset and find the balance again. So when we approach and relate to our students, I am starting to understand that yes, you can be all that you can be. Yes, you can reach for the stars. Yes, it's essential to be dedicated, hardworking and think about what you can contribute the world with your unique talents. But, don't forget to marvel at where you are right now and rest when you need to. You are, after all, not a human doing, but a human being. Your worth is not dependent on what you do or don't do; it's who you are and how you see yourself, others and your surroundings, no matter if you are in that productive headspace or when you are in the space for needing respite and rest. As an educator, I always strive to make sure that my students are kind to themselves and each other; it is about time that I learn to be kind to myself, too. John Gatto once said, "We teach who we are, loud and clear, even if a word is not uttered." From this experience, I am being reminded once again that by taking rest and honoring that I am worthy even when I need to take a break, is not only helping me to restore balance, but be an example for my students, not only through my words but my presence, too. |
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