It's Not Just About Consent: Raise Girls who Feel Natural to Speak Up

We've come a long way in education where we are now encouraging and being intentional about teaching our young girls about consent and the power of saying no in situations where they do not feel ready or safe. As I think about this, I am reminded that

it’s not just about consent; it’s about raising our girls to be able to and ready to speak their truth in everyday moments AND their most vulnerable moments.
 
Since I was young girl, I have been told, groomed and made to adopt the philosophy of “sit down, shut up and look pretty” and when in school, it was “sit down, be quiet and do your work.” When we unpack these messages that are being sent to girls at a young age, what are we saying to them on what makes them worthy and valued in their surroundings? It says, your appearance matters above all else, be docile, do things to get approval from and be liked by others at the expense of giving up yourself.

When we teach them about consent and be empowered to say no, this ultimately means, to develop and assert their own voice. That's a tall order for some if a young girl haven't had the space, opportunity or encouragement to do so in their daily life. It takes baby steps; it’s not a sprint. It starts with being able to speak up when you've got the wrong order at a coffee shop and having the courage to announce that to the barista instead of falling back to the "nice girl" syndrome not to inconvenience someone. It starts with being in math class in kindergarten when your teacher asks you to vote what's your favourite color, and instead of looking at your peers to see what they would like, to actually assert and own your preferences and ideas.
 
It starts with embracing the daily realities that our children are faced with and acknowledging that these are the very moments where we can, as teachers, parents and caring adults, guide them to share their voices without them feeling guilty, the need to be approved or worrying that they are disappointing another when they speak and walk their truth. It is ultimately about not being afraid to be seen for who they are.
 
In school, children are conditioned since the moment they step foot into a classroom, to play the game of school: that you will be successful at it if you give up yourself to make sure you are saying, hearing and doing things that the teacher and your surroundings want to hear and want to see. When we translate this back to young girls growing up, the result is that our girls are paralyzed with a deep fear that if they are to speak on their own behalf, they would be rejected, punished or disapproved.
 
So, how does this relate to consent? It means that sometimes young girls, teenagers and young adults, inside themselves, in the stillness of their hearts, have an opinion and know what they want or don't want, but they might say one thing on the surface and mean another thing inside themselves.

Their "yes" to someone else might actually mean "no" inside themselves. But they have been conditioned to please that they sometimes do not dare to hold up boundaries with a resounding "no".
 
When I think about my own experiences as a young girl, teen, young adult and now a women, I'd given “consent” in certain situations by saying yes when actually inside me I knew I wanted to say no. How many times have I/we done/did this? Whether it is a one-time decision that required you to answer and take action on the spot, or whether it is a slow process of giving up who you are and your authentic voice in your work, schooling, personal relationships? How many times have I given up on who I am and melded myself into what other people needed me to be so they would feel comfortable, but I, contorted in the process?

It is still an ongoing journey for me, but my point is, our girls need practice, support and guidance with this everyday in their lives: from making seemingly mundane choices like speaking up and sharing your preferences on what is your favourite color, to when the barista accidentally messed up your order, to going to a house party in undergrad with someone is pressuring you to do things you don't want to do.

So, what can we do as teachers in the classroom? We give them room to speak up; we intentionally give them opportunities to share themselves through our daily lessons in various subject areas where they can feel comfortable to state their preferences, claim their experiences and express their perspectives. Intentional heart-centered activities such as  expressive writing, sharing circles, thoughtful questioning and reflecting are effective practices, too.
 
But I believe all this can only work and be a step forward if we as teachers do the work ourselves, too.
 
I remember once when I interviewed an inspiring teacher for my master's thesis, he said, “You know, two people can have the same lesson plan, classroom and resource materials, but one delivery is much more effective, why is that? It's because of their life experiences and what they are willing to learn from them. The more you are willing to learn from your own life, the more meaning there could be behind your actions, behind your words."
 
In the midst of raising our girls up so they can rise up and be strong, kind, and speak and live their truth boldly, we also need to do that as teachers in our personal and professional lives. When we work and learn together, we build a stronger, more empathetic, and more respectful and harmonious environment within our immediate surroundings. Like a ripple effect, this is how we can shift ourselves, each other and our surroundings one step at a time, one decision at a time, one day at a time.
 
Resources for you to rise up as a woman and use that wisdom to guide our young girls:
1. Women Who Run With the Wolves    By: Clarissa Pinkola Estes
2. Succulent Wild Woman    By: Sark
3. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
By: Mary Pipher
4. Playing Big    By: Tara Mohr
 
 

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