The Pinnacle Moment that Got Me Back to Myself

7/1/2015

“The frivolity of the night began to detach itself away from me-fall away.” ~ Kevin Sessums

This is quite possibly the most liberating and honest way to sum up the relationship I had with you, why I decided to leave and what persuaded me to get back to my humanness, my humanity, the center of my soul and heart’s longing:

Walking into the gala, I feel a surge of nervousness, of uncertainty tinged with sadness and intoxicated anticipation. Through the looking glass I stared at myself as I waltzed into the front room to hand over my name. I look around me-the excessive outfits, the air of desperate attention fills my vision with uneasiness as I stared once more at the looking glass: this is not me, this is not me, this is not me.The emptiness of the fraudulent night had just begun and already I am filled with an all-consuming suffocation in my heart. The moment I enter into the gala with you, I immediately needed with such an intense and impatient desire to concoct, douse and fabricate my soul with courage in a glass so as to fit myself into your world of parties, glitter and glamour. Standing beside you and knowing that I don’t belong, I feel as though I am hindering your chances of boasting yourself and shining your ego with others. I felt it and knew it in my heart. As the intensity of this feeling creeps into me, I wash it away gulp by gulp with my courage in a glass. I asked for another glass. And then another. And another.

We sat down. The frivolous dinner begins. Everything becomes a blur of counterfeit enjoyment, a circus of glittering hopelessness in my heart. As I drank and ate and played pretend beside you, with each bite and each gulp and each glance at the stage, I begin to disappear more and more into the fictitious night.

In the car, with Miss. Ocktoberfest and a roadie-full of others dedicated to the slave of deceitful nights, I along with you, hopped into the car to take over the night. We ended our destination at a bar. Stumbling in, I feel as though the courage in a glass is subsiding, I needed more to sustain, to maintain my pretension for you. We immediately placed another courage in a glass in my delicate, trembling hands. The chatter of nothingness wavers into the stifling air around me creating smoke and mirrors to our fog-filled souls. A sudden, stronger than life realization dawns on me as the pinnacle moment of emptiness flashed before my eyes: sitting there with all of them, staring at the laughing waitresses-turned-glamazons with their endless, pseudo chatter, and men all around me boasting their extravagant egos as they saturate their souls with frenzied, wretched validation…all I wanted to do was to run, run away as fast as I could back to the home of my untainted heart, back to where I was pure and beautiful and strong.

As we silently struggle with each other’s heartstrings-with you wanting to continue to disappear and fade into the backdrop of your heart, I knew I have lost you. I knew the “frivolity of the night” had won.

© 2015 Lovisa Fung. All Rights Reserved.

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The Pinnacle Moment that Got Me Back to Myself

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